As you may have read in my previous blog, “My Life Story”, you would have read about some of the hard times I have been through in my past. If you haven’t read the last blog, I highly suggest you take the time to go back to read it before continuing this one (but please come back)!
I just wanted to write about my times from last weekend (May 27/28), mostly so I can get it out and talk about my feelings without getting all choked up. As you can probably tell, I, along with many others, had a pretty emotional weekend.
It all started on Saturday evening. After work (yes, I work on Saturdays), I drove back to my hometown and to my mother’s house. This, for one, was already a pretty weird experience. She was only 4 days away from moving, so the entire dining room was packed to the ceiling with boxes, the house was starting to look really empty. This didn’t really sink in until the next day, since we were in a pretty big rush to leave, so I will talk about that later on in the blog.
So anyway, I got to Mom’s, re did my makeup, then Mom and I hit the road! We were on our way to our good family friend’s house for a Stag and Doe! If you don’t know what a Stag and Doe is (as I have been asked before), it is basically like a giant fundraising
money to help raise money for a wedding. Usually this takes place in a rented hall, but since his parents live in the country with a large property and a huge shop, it was smarter for them to do it there (plus it was really more their style, anyways). In this case, it was for our friend, Dustin’s, wedding. My brother and I spent a lot of time with Dustin when we were kids. He basically acted as an older brother and a role model for the both of us.
Why was a party emotional? Well, I wasn’t intending it to be. I was super excited to celebrate with the people I basically consider to be my family. But once I got there and saw everyone again, I started to realize how long it had been since I had seen all these people. I hadn’t seen them since my Dad’s funeral, 6 years ago. It really hit me when my mom had to introduce me to some of the people I had grown up around, because they no longer recognized me (my appearance has changed a lot since then… for the better). Once they saw my face and heard my name, their faces would light up. But others knew who I was without a second glance, which was very nice.
But the thing was, all of these people were really great friends with my Dad (as everyone was). So seeing them all and catching up was really amazing. It really was heartwarming. But in a way, it was also heart wrenching. I use this term because without my Dad, there
is a huge void in all of us. I haven’t been in a room where you could see a hole in every single person. The party wasn’t the same as the ones from the past because he wasn’t there. But throughout the night, I showed all of his friends the tattoo that I got in his honour, showed them pictures of my brother (who didn’t make it to the party), and shared my experiences since he died.
And you know what? I have never seen so many grown men be completely speechless and shedding tears in one night than I did that night.
Seeing his friends, the men I grew up around, the men who really shaped my life, the men who are in all of my childhood memories, in this state. And that was so hard for me to see. I love them all so much and it kills me to see all these tough, hunter men in such a vulnerable state. But it also made me so happy, because it shows just how amazing my Dad was. How good a friend he was and how many people truly loved him. I love seeing that.
At the end of our night (the party continued for God knows how long), I made my rounds to say my goodbyes. This perhaps was the hardest part of the evening because I knew that I probably wouldn’t see everyone again for a while, though I vowed that I would try to visit more often and stay in contact.
One goodbye stood out more than the rest. One of my Dad’s absolute best friends, they guy who basically sees me as the daughter he never had, gave me the world longest and tightest hug, and told me that “I needed to promise him that I would take care of myself, and that I needed to visit, that I was always welcome.” I am crying just writing this, and I know it may seem silly, but for the past 6 years, I thought I had lost this part of my life, and that these people had virtually forgot about me and cared less about me since Dad was no longer here. So hearing and feeling that someone really, truly cares about me, after all this time, really hit me. Especially from this man in particular. I haven’t had a father figure in my life, through what I would call the hardest years of anyone’s life, including mine. So when this man said these things, it made me feel like maybe I still have these men to lean on when I need them. And that made me feel really good. They’re not my Dad, but they are pretty damn close.
The next part of the weekend that was emotional was the fact that my Mom was moving. Since I moved out and Taylor is soon to be moving out, she doesn’t need a whole house anymore, so she downsized to an apartment. But as I was there, it really sunk in that that
was going to be the last time that I was ever in that house. Granted, we only lived therefor approximately 7 years, so I shouldn’t be too attached to it. But here’s the thing. I know I said about that the past 6 years have been the hardest in my life, but coincidentally, they were also some of the best years in my life. I made so many amazing friends that mean the world to me, and with them, we made so many memories at that house. So knowing that I would never step foot in that house again, and knowing that I will never have a bonfire party at Mom’s house again was weirdly hard for me to process. But I have accepted it.
All of this was really overwhelming for me. After my Dad died, I thought I had basically lost all of my emotions, which is true. I had a really hard time showing any emotion at all for a really long time after that. Years after, even. But now they seem to be returning. Slowly but surely. And it seems to be starting with my ability to cry, whether they are happy tears or sad tears.
I know that life goes on. If anyone knows that, it really is me. I’ve been through so much harder events than moving from the house where I spent my high school years. And I know that I am all grown up now (it may not feel like it, but I guess I am). I have so many amazing things to look forward to in the future, and I have so many memories that are yet to be made. So this emotional weekend, while still hard, was just the beginning of something truly beautiful yet to come.